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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.