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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.