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Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.