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I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)