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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
"That`s close enough..." ~Government worker
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.