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"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?