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By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
I don`t know what your problem is, but I`ll bet it`s hard to pronounce.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?