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My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.