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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.