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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.