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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?