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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.