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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.