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10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.