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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Laughter is the best medicine but if you are laughing without any reason, I think you need medicine
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.