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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude