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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.