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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.