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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!