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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!