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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.