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I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.