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It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.