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Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Sometimes I let the words in my mind come out of my mouth. And it feels awesome! B)
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords