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The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.