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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.