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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.