Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I always advise people never to give advice.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!