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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.