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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.