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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Your personality needs alcohol.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...