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Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I went to the doctor for a check up and he says I`m going to live. But I think he`s wrong and it`s just a matter of time.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC