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People will do odd things to get even.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.