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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…