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You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.