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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
i have noticed you notice me noticing you
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.