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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel