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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.