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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.