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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?