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I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.