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I hope Iām the last guy on earth ā I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.