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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!