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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.