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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.