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Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
Iām not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!