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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions...
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.