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That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
Carfax but for people
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.