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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
Can`t wait `til I`m old enough to pretend I can`t hear.
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Marriage. Because your sh!tty day doesn`t have to end at work.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.