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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can`t they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”