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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.