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Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?