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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
This century is already 15% over.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.