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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.