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I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.