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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
You call them French Fries…I call them Edible Ketchup Shovels.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.