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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.