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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
I laugh in the face of normal.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!