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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."