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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.