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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.