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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
There`s no mirrors in this self checkout?!?
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.