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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.