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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
If you don`t have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.