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If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing aggravates them so much. But if you really want to piss them off tell them you will pray for their souls.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)