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It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
If you don’t cuss when you drive you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.